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A Parable
Michael E. Suttkus, II

Once upon a time....

Two cops, Henry and Phillip, are called to a house on Evidence Street. A neighbor has called and reported a break in. Arriving at the house, they find that the front door has been knocked off of it's hinges and a man wearing a ski mask and holding a bag of jewellery and a bloody knife is leaving.

"Excuse me, sir," says Henry. "A break in has been reported at this residence. We're here to investigate."

The masked man glances around. "Looks fine to me, but I've really got to get going..."

"Sorry, sir, but we've really got to investigate," says Phillip.

The two cops and the masked man walk up to the front door. It is hanging by only the bottom hinge and the deadbolt has clearly been forced out of the doorframe.

"Sir," says Henry, "Can you explain why your door appears to have been forced in if there hasn't been a break in?"

"Well," says the masked man, "When I bought this house, they explained to me that the builder was a little worried that if the house looked too new, people would be afraid to live in it, being afraid to damage it. So, he built in an appearance of age, of a history that never happened, damaging it before hand."

Meanwhile, Phillip has stepped inside. He notices what looks like signs of a struggle. He asks, "Sir, can you explain why your sofa is on it's back?"

"It was that way when we moved in, our interior decorator put it there."

"On it's back?"

"Yes. He was a great designer, the best ever."

"Why would he place it like that? Isn't it hard to sit on?"

"A little, but intelligent placement doesn't mean optimal placement. I can still sit here." He demonstrates this by sitting on the front of the couch. "See? It works."

Henry, meanwhile, had walked through the living room and into the bedrooms. From there, he called, "Hey, there appear to be two dead bodies in here." Phillip and the masked man go to see. Indeed, two dead bodies, both with obvious knife wounds.

"Well," asks Henry, "How can you explain this?"

"Well," says, the masked man, "Obviously the two bodies can't have just formed from the floor boards, right? That is obviously impossible. They are too complicated for that. They must have been created here by a magical fairy that poofed in here, created two dead bodies magically, and then vanished, leaving no trace of his presence."

Phillip and Henry walk out of the house. "Well," asks Phillip, "What did you think?"

"Hmm, well, appearance of age, a history that seems to have happened, but didn't, obviously inferior design attributed to great intelligence, refutations of a straw man argument nobody made and a false dichotomy, followed by dependence on unevidenced supernatural events to fill in any gaps, it all leads to only one conclusion."

"Quite right," says Phillip. He calls dispatch. "Nobody was here to see what happened. We're going back on patrol."

And the moral of this story is, if you commit a crime, pray you get creationist cops.

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