The Noachian Flood is Just Not Cricket
Sir Jim R Wallaby
Answers in Genesis (AiG) claim, in their latest weekly email newsletter, that Genesis proves the veracity of their flood myth. Sir Jim Wallaby disputes this and calls on his extraordinary knowledge of the noble game of cricket to stump the creationist's claims.
Now let's see. Everest is rising by 6 inches per year. It's now about 29,000 ft, which means that 58,000 years ago it was a flat plane at sea level. Add a few years so it was below sea level (otherwise how did those marine fossils get there? Walking oysters might work for Lewis Carroll, but not for the Bible) - so let's say 60,000 as a nice round number. But hang on a bit - we don't have 60,000 years, we only have 6,000 - no, wait a minute, that's since creation; it's less than 5,000 since the Flood - so if the increase in height has been slowing since then, just after the deluge it must have been shooting up like a lift in a high-rise. Odd that none of the Indian legends mention this, but still, it "probably" did anyway (amazing how Genesis is not exactly overflowing with "probablies" but since God hadn't invented the word processor or the pencil then, and as it took a while to carve the stories in stone, and as "probably" is quite a long word, the writers probably left them out).
Anyway those Indians were probably (what a useful word this is turning out to be in the context of inventing history - it's a wonder God didn't make it sacred) spending so much time playing cricket, they didn't notice a vast mountain range rocketing up on the northern horizon. (That explains the yeti, by the way. The original was a chap fielding at "deep third man" (meaning under water with the oysters) who suddenly found himself stranded on a rapidly soaring peak. It also accounts for "gully" which was formed by all the water running off the mountain and presumably "slips" originally referred to the land slips that such a major violent upthrust would have caused. That still leaves "square leg", but if there were giants abroad in those days, I don't imagine chaps with square legs are all that implausible).
So here we have the 12th man, Mr Gupta, telling the team he was just nipping over to China to get some nice sweet and sour pork for the luncheon adjournment and coming back empty handed because a bloody great, and previously unnoticed, massif had blocked his way. Obviously it hadn't been there the previous day, otherwise how can we explain the tea break?
See, as I have always maintained, as long as you have copies of Genesis and Wisden by your side, theology is a doddle. (I'm not too sure how this explains the Andes and the Rockies, as they don't play much cricket in the Americas).